I feel trapped. I want to do so much, but at the same time, I keep finding myself pretexts to not do what it takes and I’m not doing anything to change my current situation. One of the biggest pretexts is that there is too much to do and I don’t know where to start. So I don’t do anything. Makes sense. Then there’s constantly this restlessness making me feel weird all the time, a bit like when you know you have something important to do, but you can’t remember what, or when you’re nervous about a job interview that you don’t know how to prepare for. The difference here is that I have absolutely no real reason to not get these things done.
But what are those “things”? Ideas of projects to start, mostly. I want to create. I want to write, to photograph, to film. I want to share more, and yet I’m constantly stopping myself from doing it because in my head, it’s not clear enough, concise enough, defined enough. Because it wouldn’t be a polished, finished product. It might not seem like it if you know me, because I’m quite spontaneous and ready to jump into unexpected situations quite easily, but there is a perfectionist hiding in me. When it comes to creating and sharing what I do, the perfectionist gets up, because creating is very personal and sharing it makes you vulnerable. Even if at the same time I know it’s not possible to come up with a perfectly finished product from the first time, I’m using this pretext to not do anything. Meanwhile, time keeps ticking.
I’ve been told to relax. I’m still young, there’s time. I know. But that’s not a reason to waste it, is it? Plus, if I keep using the reasoning I use now, at some point, it will be too late. It’s better to start learning now and having something ready in a few years, than keep telling myself that I have time, while not really ever getting on with my projects. In the end, it’s not about time. It’s about keeping from doing something because of fear and laziness. And that won’t change with time if I don’t do anything about it.
I know that I’m also happier when I feel productive, and I know the more I do, the more I want to get done. It’s the opposite of the vicious circle I’m in now, a productivity circle. To get out of my fear-of-failure-and-laziness circle, I’m going to challenge myself to get some things started in order to get moving. In the next month, I’m challenging myself to:
- Write two articles for a platform other than my blog
- Write one article each week on my blog and put more effort on sharing them on social media
- Finish one university course
- Write one essay for university
- Work out a total of 10 times
- Get my room and bags ready for moving out
- Start planning my personalised to-do list/calendar
- Have three uninterrupted 1-hour poetry-writing sessions
- Learn to crochet
Some of these are related to my plans and projects, some are just to-do items I’ve been avoiding and used as a pretext to not do other things. I’ll get them out of the way to minimise the number of excuses I have. My to-do list is still full even after these, but I’ll stick to these for now, because I know this is doable for sure so no excuse to skip part of the list because of lack of time.
I’ll update you on this topic in a month to tell you whether I’ve been able to do it all, how I feel about it then and what’s next.
If you have something to do but keep pushing it forward for no good reason, this is your sign. Have a productive week!